There are moments when I just don't know what to write. It is one of the most defeating feelings one can experience, especially if you are ambitious about writing something. How come at times we are able to expand words and thoughts so easily, and other times that we have to reach from the depth of our souls and all we get is the word, 'the.'
It is beautiful to write something pure and real.
I am striving for that now, but failing miserably.
Saturday, December 29, 2007
Sunday, December 23, 2007
Suprised
A week ago today I was swimming in the Pacific Ocean.
Let me say that again:
A week ago today (December 16th) I was swimming in the Pacific Ocean.
I went out to California last week. I went out there to visit friends, not be in Kansas, and to feel revived.
I didn't have too many expectations. I was expecting brown, dirty, and an overpopulated landscape. However, I was very pleasantly surprised. I enjoyed the hills, the beauty, and the ocean.
There is something to be said about the ocean. It is truly majestic. When standing on the beach, listing to the never ending rhythm of the waves crash to shore, and looking out and seeing no end; that is truly something to marvel.
We also went to Joshua Tree National Park, and it was so eerily beautiful. I absolutely loved it. I recommend it to anyone who loves to be in an over sized bouldering field. For me it was an over sized candy store, and each boulder was a new counter with new candy, that I wanted to consume.
Words do not do this Park justice. It was seriously incredible.
The group that I was with took about a mile hike to this remote bouldering field, and when we got there I remember feeling so small. Standing on top of boulder, and just looking around seeing no cars, roads, buildings, other people, and really any sings of civilized life. I felt small. I felt wonderfully uncomfortable, I felt alive.
We forget how much space there is out there. We confine ourselves in this little box of life, and succumb to it's ebbs and flows. We enjoy this box. But when we are displaced and when we experience the feeling of being small and feeble, then we truly come alive. Something deep within our being is unleashed, not really knowing what it is, but it awakens, and we can't control it. It wants to explore. It wants to be pushed to it's limits. It wants to run.
Those are some of the feelings I experienced while I stood atop a boulder and looked around seeing mountains, other boulders, and of course Joshua Trees. It was incredible. I felt so huge and my smile about stretched off me face. I was so huge, yet so small and feeble. Absolutely humbling.
My last night I was there I stayed up till 4 in the morning having one of the best conversations that I have had in a long while. My friend and I started talking about 12:30 or so. (That is nearly four hours of uninterrupted beautiful conversation.) My friend and I were asking each other tough questions that I have rarely thought about. The Q and A was really eye opening and refreshing, here are some of the questions:
What has been your happiest moment in you life? / Saddest?
What is something you are most proud of?
What is the stupidest thing you have done?
What is the worst thing someone could do to you?
Most embarrassing moment?
What are the things that drive you crazy?
What would you change about yourself?
What do you love about yourself?
And so forth....
I know that it probably reads like an interview, but I recommend having a conversation with someone and asking these questions, and other deep questions. It is really eye opening and quite profound. The best thing about it is that both me and the person conversing were real. We didn't hide. We were open. We were real.
At times there was uncomfort because of the answers we were coming to, but the uncomfort lead to peace because of how organic it all was. It was beautiful.
---
Overall I am content.
It sure as hell doesn't feel like Christmas and I have yet to buy any gifts.
----
I hope that the holiday is filled with love and peace.
---
Cheers.
Let me say that again:
A week ago today (December 16th) I was swimming in the Pacific Ocean.
I went out to California last week. I went out there to visit friends, not be in Kansas, and to feel revived.
I didn't have too many expectations. I was expecting brown, dirty, and an overpopulated landscape. However, I was very pleasantly surprised. I enjoyed the hills, the beauty, and the ocean.
There is something to be said about the ocean. It is truly majestic. When standing on the beach, listing to the never ending rhythm of the waves crash to shore, and looking out and seeing no end; that is truly something to marvel.
We also went to Joshua Tree National Park, and it was so eerily beautiful. I absolutely loved it. I recommend it to anyone who loves to be in an over sized bouldering field. For me it was an over sized candy store, and each boulder was a new counter with new candy, that I wanted to consume.
Words do not do this Park justice. It was seriously incredible.
The group that I was with took about a mile hike to this remote bouldering field, and when we got there I remember feeling so small. Standing on top of boulder, and just looking around seeing no cars, roads, buildings, other people, and really any sings of civilized life. I felt small. I felt wonderfully uncomfortable, I felt alive.
We forget how much space there is out there. We confine ourselves in this little box of life, and succumb to it's ebbs and flows. We enjoy this box. But when we are displaced and when we experience the feeling of being small and feeble, then we truly come alive. Something deep within our being is unleashed, not really knowing what it is, but it awakens, and we can't control it. It wants to explore. It wants to be pushed to it's limits. It wants to run.
Those are some of the feelings I experienced while I stood atop a boulder and looked around seeing mountains, other boulders, and of course Joshua Trees. It was incredible. I felt so huge and my smile about stretched off me face. I was so huge, yet so small and feeble. Absolutely humbling.
My last night I was there I stayed up till 4 in the morning having one of the best conversations that I have had in a long while. My friend and I started talking about 12:30 or so. (That is nearly four hours of uninterrupted beautiful conversation.) My friend and I were asking each other tough questions that I have rarely thought about. The Q and A was really eye opening and refreshing, here are some of the questions:
What has been your happiest moment in you life? / Saddest?
What is something you are most proud of?
What is the stupidest thing you have done?
What is the worst thing someone could do to you?
Most embarrassing moment?
What are the things that drive you crazy?
What would you change about yourself?
What do you love about yourself?
And so forth....
I know that it probably reads like an interview, but I recommend having a conversation with someone and asking these questions, and other deep questions. It is really eye opening and quite profound. The best thing about it is that both me and the person conversing were real. We didn't hide. We were open. We were real.
At times there was uncomfort because of the answers we were coming to, but the uncomfort lead to peace because of how organic it all was. It was beautiful.
---
Overall I am content.
It sure as hell doesn't feel like Christmas and I have yet to buy any gifts.
----
I hope that the holiday is filled with love and peace.
---
Cheers.
Thursday, December 6, 2007
Snow
There are few things that can match the amount of enjoyment I get when I see snow.
I love the snow.
Today is the first snow in Kansas City. It is a peaceful snow, and it lands gently on the ground. Such snow, makes me feel like I am in a snow globe without being violently shaken.
The snow falls helplessly and beautifully to its quiet landing. There is something majestic about the snow. How it descends with wonder, and how it seems to do it so elegantly.
Snow calms my soul and it invigorates my body.
Snow makes my face shine with a smile, and makes make heart grow full.
The way that it sounds when you compress your foot into it, is a sound that makes me feel like a child.
The snow reminds me of friends and family from years past, and gives me hope for wonderful memories for years to come.
Snow breaks me--it makes me find that child like heart inside of me, and then it brings it out. I am reminded of sledding. I am reminded of snowball fights. I remember the joy of returning to a warm, friendly house, after adventures in the snow. I am reminded of Hot chocolate. I am reminded.
I know that my fondness is not experienced by everyone, and that is perfectly alright. I just hope that you are able to be still, and soak in the majesty of it all.
---
I love the snow.
Today is the first snow in Kansas City. It is a peaceful snow, and it lands gently on the ground. Such snow, makes me feel like I am in a snow globe without being violently shaken.
The snow falls helplessly and beautifully to its quiet landing. There is something majestic about the snow. How it descends with wonder, and how it seems to do it so elegantly.
Snow calms my soul and it invigorates my body.
Snow makes my face shine with a smile, and makes make heart grow full.
The way that it sounds when you compress your foot into it, is a sound that makes me feel like a child.
The snow reminds me of friends and family from years past, and gives me hope for wonderful memories for years to come.
Snow breaks me--it makes me find that child like heart inside of me, and then it brings it out. I am reminded of sledding. I am reminded of snowball fights. I remember the joy of returning to a warm, friendly house, after adventures in the snow. I am reminded of Hot chocolate. I am reminded.
I know that my fondness is not experienced by everyone, and that is perfectly alright. I just hope that you are able to be still, and soak in the majesty of it all.
---
Saturday, December 1, 2007
My Yard
We are beginning the festivities. We are getting in the Spirit. And it is about that time.
Yesterday one of my roommates and I hung Christmas lights.
It's funny how the seasons can sneak up on you. Even if it doesn't feel like Christmas we buy into the ideas and rituals of it. Something that honestly doesn't really make sense to me. And since it doesn't make sense to me you could call me a hypocrite. Anyway, shouldn't you really feel and buy into something to celebrate it?
I think one reason why we enjoy these festive times is because they are fun. And that is what us humans strive for: fun. Many of our decisions are based on how much 'fun,' we will have. We are all seeking enjoyment and fulfillment--sometimes even mindlessly. We go along with it because it is apart of our routine.
We love routines. We get so comfortable in them. When we feel violated when they are broken or interrupted. When they are interrupted we feel as if it was a personal attack to get us out of swing. I think alot of it is just plain selfishness, and I for one am guilty of being selfish.
---
A glimpse into my life:
Three nights ago I was doing homework and our doorbell rang. I opened it to find four ten-twelve year olds on our stoop. Two of them had rakes, and one of them had a shovel, the fourth was just standing there--he might have been the ring leader, I don't know. Anyway, I say 'hey' and ask them what they are up to. They tell me that, "they are raising money for football, and they were wondering if they could rake my yard..for a small donation..."..."of course I thought to myself."
I stood there and smiled, just because I can't help to mile in situations like these.
I tried to play it off that I really didn't need my yard raked, however guilt started to encapsulate me. I was reluctant to initiate anything, however I said, " alright guys, I tell you what. How about you get started, and I'll go in and get you a few bucks..." That got them excited. They started, and I walked inside.
I returned outside and saw their progress. It was looking good. I gave the 'ring leader' a ten dollar bill and said to them "do what you guys think is necessary and worthy of ten, because that's all I got."
They were grateful of my donation, and kept working.
I walked inside to finish my homework before my night class. Every so often, like a peeping tom, I looked through the blinds to make sure they were working...it looked good.
At about 5:45 I was getting ready for class. I gathered my books, and put on my Jacket, and opened up my front door. I walked out on the stoop, and stopped. I gazed upon my yard. There is a side walk down the center of it, that acts as a dividing line, that leads to our porch. Looking at the dividing line (sidewalk) I start to laugh out loud.
These money raising football players raked half my yard and then saw it fit to leave.
I have a beautifully raked side of our yard, and then the right side is a sea of leaves. It's pretty classy if you ask me.
---
Last night my roommates and I watched Braveheart.
Enough said.
---
I am ready for my semester to be over. It has been a good one, however, the prospect of it ending is a relief as I am sure it is for all college students. I enjoy school, but I also enjoy the breaks that are built in with the schooling process.
---
I have been stretched and challenged this semester in ways I never thought possible. Things that I have believed in, in the past, have been deconstructed, and are slowly being resurfaced in new ways. This has been very unsettling. For as long as I can remember I believed in a certain faith system, and throughout this semester, I have realized that much of my 'belief,' was just a product of my up bringing. I have been conditioned in a way to believe it. And as uncomfortable and unsettling that these thoughts and realizations have been, I have felt liberated. I have felt free because I know that I am not lying to myself. I am not putting up with justifications. I am just being true and real to myself--and that has made me so damn uncomfortable, but it has also made feel so alive.
---
"Every man dies, but not every man truly lives."
---
Enjoy your December.
Yesterday one of my roommates and I hung Christmas lights.
It's funny how the seasons can sneak up on you. Even if it doesn't feel like Christmas we buy into the ideas and rituals of it. Something that honestly doesn't really make sense to me. And since it doesn't make sense to me you could call me a hypocrite. Anyway, shouldn't you really feel and buy into something to celebrate it?
I think one reason why we enjoy these festive times is because they are fun. And that is what us humans strive for: fun. Many of our decisions are based on how much 'fun,' we will have. We are all seeking enjoyment and fulfillment--sometimes even mindlessly. We go along with it because it is apart of our routine.
We love routines. We get so comfortable in them. When we feel violated when they are broken or interrupted. When they are interrupted we feel as if it was a personal attack to get us out of swing. I think alot of it is just plain selfishness, and I for one am guilty of being selfish.
---
A glimpse into my life:
Three nights ago I was doing homework and our doorbell rang. I opened it to find four ten-twelve year olds on our stoop. Two of them had rakes, and one of them had a shovel, the fourth was just standing there--he might have been the ring leader, I don't know. Anyway, I say 'hey' and ask them what they are up to. They tell me that, "they are raising money for football, and they were wondering if they could rake my yard..for a small donation..."..."of course I thought to myself."
I stood there and smiled, just because I can't help to mile in situations like these.
I tried to play it off that I really didn't need my yard raked, however guilt started to encapsulate me. I was reluctant to initiate anything, however I said, " alright guys, I tell you what. How about you get started, and I'll go in and get you a few bucks..." That got them excited. They started, and I walked inside.
I returned outside and saw their progress. It was looking good. I gave the 'ring leader' a ten dollar bill and said to them "do what you guys think is necessary and worthy of ten, because that's all I got."
They were grateful of my donation, and kept working.
I walked inside to finish my homework before my night class. Every so often, like a peeping tom, I looked through the blinds to make sure they were working...it looked good.
At about 5:45 I was getting ready for class. I gathered my books, and put on my Jacket, and opened up my front door. I walked out on the stoop, and stopped. I gazed upon my yard. There is a side walk down the center of it, that acts as a dividing line, that leads to our porch. Looking at the dividing line (sidewalk) I start to laugh out loud.
These money raising football players raked half my yard and then saw it fit to leave.
I have a beautifully raked side of our yard, and then the right side is a sea of leaves. It's pretty classy if you ask me.
---
Last night my roommates and I watched Braveheart.
Enough said.
---
I am ready for my semester to be over. It has been a good one, however, the prospect of it ending is a relief as I am sure it is for all college students. I enjoy school, but I also enjoy the breaks that are built in with the schooling process.
---
I have been stretched and challenged this semester in ways I never thought possible. Things that I have believed in, in the past, have been deconstructed, and are slowly being resurfaced in new ways. This has been very unsettling. For as long as I can remember I believed in a certain faith system, and throughout this semester, I have realized that much of my 'belief,' was just a product of my up bringing. I have been conditioned in a way to believe it. And as uncomfortable and unsettling that these thoughts and realizations have been, I have felt liberated. I have felt free because I know that I am not lying to myself. I am not putting up with justifications. I am just being true and real to myself--and that has made me so damn uncomfortable, but it has also made feel so alive.
---
"Every man dies, but not every man truly lives."
---
Enjoy your December.
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