Hope

Sometimes there are indescribable feelings and experiences that overtake us. And it is such a paradox because we want to be able to describe our experience, we want to be able to exclaim the immense amount of pleasure or surrender that we experience. We want others to be part of our experience. The paradox is that we can't. We can't describe the indescribable...but we want to. We can't share the joy of what happened to us through words. We can't even act it out. It is our experience and feeling. Maybe that is the beauty of it all--that it is ours, and our only hope is that others have the same indescribable experiences and feelings. Maybe we all can relate by acknowledging the unknown, unrecognized realm of indescribable experiences.

I am going to attempt to describe an indescribable experience that I had two nights ago.

Two nights ago I finished a journal.

I know that may not seem to astounding or profound. But the feeling of actually completing a journal is a very sobering feeling. It is a deep feeling of accomplishment. It is also extremely depressing.

It feels as if you have lost a best friend to a terrible disease. It feels as if you are giving your favorite shirt that is riddled with nostalgia to charity. It feels hopelessly depressing--because you have a feeling of 'now what?' "now since I have lost this one to the poison of ink, what am I suppose to do now? Am I suppose to place it upon a book shelf and let it be another dust collector? Should I burn it? Should I let my friends read it? What should I do?'

What I did do was: I closed it. Looked at its swade khaki binding, took a deep breathe, and placed it in my bag. It seemed fitting.Then I went and purchased a new journal at Barnes and Noble to record the next months of this life. This life that never seems to be dull unless I let it be.

I started this journal back on June 6th while I was living in the mountains. I started this journal not knowing what the ending page would say. I started the journal with small, feeble anticipation that great things would occur during the time span of writing in it. I was in for a big surprise.

The last months of my life have been ones that have truly awakened me. Ones that have truly left me feeling the greatest uncomfort I have ever felt. They have been ones of true self discovery and peace. I can only hope that the next six provide as much excitement as the ones preceding.

I have hope that they will.